B-4 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE SEPTEMBER 16, 1994

FROM THE HART

'Other women' are okay, but are 'other men'?

Advice on love, relationships and other issues relevant to sexual minorities.

Dear Taylor,

by Taylor Hart

My name is "Sandra" and my girlfriend's name is "Sharon. "We have been best friends since our freshman year at college, when we helped each other out of the closet, Sharon as a lesbian and myself as a bisexual. We've been best friends for seven

years and have grown considerably together.

When we started to develop passionate feelings for each other, we mutually decided on having an open relationship. As best friends, we wanted to keep ourselves open to other romantic and sexual relationships. Until recently, the agreement worked wonderfully. Sharon has had several female lovers (some one night stands) and I, being more sexually conservative, have had one or two flings with women. We have

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always encouraged each other because we know our friendship will endure and we don't want to settle into the "married lesbian" rut.

The fly in the ointment came when I started dating "Rodney," a man I met at a party. When Sharon found out that I'd been sleeping with Rodney (always practicing safer sex), she became cool and distant. I asked her about it and she said that she knows that I won't go straight and get married,' but she doesn't like me keeping company with males.

What can I do? I'll always be bisexual, but I don't want to strain my friendship with Sharon. At first I thought that Sharon was just jealous, but since then she has offered to fix me up with other women. She even set up a surprise blind date! Sharon says that she wants to continue our agreement, but limit it exclusively to women. I'm desperate for your advice!

Dear Sandra,

Sandra

Tell Sharon that you respect her perspective and value her friendship, but that you also value your bisexuality and that you can not deny yourself in order to make her happy. Real friendship is based on unconditional love and unconditional acceptance. In healthy relationships the power is shared equally and is not taken by force. Sharon does not have the power to restrict your behavior unless you give it to her. It is up to you if you wish to give up your power to Sharon.

Sex between non-romantic friends can be hazardous to their friendship. When you have sex with a friend the dynamics of your

relationship changes. You can never go back to the original friendship. In this new relationship, friends begin to have greater expectations of each other as the line between 'friendship' and 'romance' fades. This is a difficult relationship to maintain. I am not against 'sexual friendships,' but I do recommend careful thought and a serious evaluation of what you stand to lose before you decide to have sex with a friend. It could mean the end of the friendship.

Dear Readers,

I would like to take this opportunity to thank so many of you who have written to me. I try to use as many of your letters in my column as I can, but space and time does not always allow it. Unfortunately, I am unable to answer letters personally. The following are a few tips that may increase the chances of having your letter published:

Keep it short. Long letters require a great deal of editing due to space limitations. A short, concise letter stands a better chance of being answered.

■If the names used in your letter have already been changed, please state that in your letter. I often fear that I am changing a name back to its real name.

■ Ask one or two specific questions. Many of the letters I receive are from people who tell me their entire life story, but never ask me anything in particular. How can I answer a question that has not been asked? Please write legibly. If I can't read it, I can't answer it.

■ And, of course, keep writing! Taylor

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